A love to tell

I am a certified late bloomer, has recurring separation anxiety and a ton of trust issues. Having all these concerns, are you getting a picture of how would I behave inside a romantic relationship? As I would have imagined it too, that would be a disaster. It would be self-destructive and much worse; I would bring a man’s life to hell.

So I became very cautious. Unconsciously, I became distant and vigilant having men around. I am saving myself for that one very special person who can just love me in spite of the imperfections and would be very willing to get to know me so he’ll learn how to handle a complicated lady. On the process of waiting, I decided to take my time learning how to heal gracefully and to come up a better version of me.

I was 24 when I knew that I was for married life. I considered and prayed joining a consecrated/religious life. That was the perfect place where I will be safe and secured, where I can contribute to making this world a better place, where I can just be with God anytime of the day. However, I had a wrong thinking. The path I want to pursue is still hazy yet that perfect place I’m looking for is not inside a convent.

I was 26 when I started dating. All sorts of date, I’m all in. From speed dating, blind dating, set-up date and friendly dates to finally romantic dates. That journey was a good-tell adventures of mine! I remembered joining an online course about empowering women, lessons on how to take active responsibility in finding our one true love.

September 8 last year, I dated for the first time the man I never knew would be my first ever love. Mother Mary has been safeguarding him for me ever since. He is faithfully serving the Church. We were acquaintances for 10 years. He became a friend last year, a suitor after 3 months and a boyfriend a few months after.

It may be short yet for some reason I felt it was real. My doubting self also agreed that I would get to know him more if finally I would try to commit myself in a relationship.

We were so different in many ways. We even came from different generations literally and were raised differently too. Nevertheless, we are similar in two important things, our great love and devotion to God, to our faith and to our families – and that makes our differences smaller.

I love getting to know him every single day. I love to see him smile and dance and be silly in front of me. I swoon over him each time he sings a love song whether it’s by phone or much more in personal. I admire him each time he talks about his family or help a stranger. He doesn’t know I took most of the time observing him when we’re together. His expressive deep-seated eyes that communicate beyond words are extremely cute. I appreciate that he smells good always. I love it too that he is always a gentleman. I always feel safe when he’s near. I have high regards with his listening skills. There were times I feel insecure because he reminded me of information I already told him or stories he shared that I forgot. Sometimes I feel he is the guidance counselor’s counselor.

Yet, I hate him when he doesn’t answer my calls immediately. I hate him when he bluntly tells me the things I need to improve or even change. I hate him on the hours he makes me feel less loved. Yes, in my own perception there were rock-bottom days of our love story. I wish I have his patience. I hope I have his optimism. I pray I’ll have him forever.

People say the first year of a relationship is the honeymoon stage, ours isn’t. It is a roller coaster ride. It is a series of push and pull. It consists of life changing adventures and silly escapades. It engages into fights and wonderful reconciliation. It entails bargaining and compromises. It involves two people in love.

365 days. 200 plus love letters. 3 silly break ups that didn’t last for the day. 2 goals transforming to a series of plans towards 1 destination.

And today, our next 365 days journey begins; I just want my own words to be accountable with my actions.

As your girlfriend, I’ll laugh at every joke you tell, even if it means I’d be the only one laughing with you. My smile will turn into laughter whenever our eyes meet because the butterflies just won’t seem to leave. I’ll do my best to jump with you in excitement as your favourite PBA team scores but you have to buy me an ice cream whenever my team does the points. I’ll watch every action/superhero movie with you as long as you’re willing to watch one chick flick with me. We’ll have a bottle of beer while spilling our frustrations on how our day went yet you have to accept my limits.

As your girlfriend, I’ll give you your space. I’ll ask you how your day went – not out of routine but out of curiosity, because I want to know which parts of your day made you smile and made you sad. I’ll make silly faces and annoying dance moves whenever you are in your default angry mood. I’ll surprise you on random occasions, and spoil you with sweet kisses and tight hugs in the days we’re together.

As your girlfriend, I promise to be loyal. Now I know that at the end of the day, you’re the only one I want. I’ll be the one you can share your hopes, your dreams and your fears too. I may be talkative but on the days you just need my ear and my eyes, I’ll shut my mouth, I promise. I’ll always be real and true to you because you deserve nothing less. I’ll do my best to consider your thoughts and your feelings before I make my judgments.

As your girlfriend, I’ll yell and I’ll cry… I’ll cry a lot. My insecurities and jealousy will eventually surface no matter how hard I try to hide them. My drama may not make sense at all. I ask a lot of questions, you already know that by now. Sometimes they may be long and stupid, so I’ll need you to be patient with me. I’ll give you long silences when I’m upset. I’ll ran away from you when I’m not ready to talk to you yet in most times I want you to ran after me. I’ll still make you upset but since I won’t be able to read your mind, I’ll need you to tell me. My thirst for wisdom may still be true yet I’ll follow you in your field of expertise.

As your girlfriend, I’ll treat you how I would want to be treated.  I want to be all the best things to you, and though I know this can’t always be true, I do my best to be not so bad. I am weird and imperfect, but as your girlfriend, I promise to do all I can to be the best one you’ve ever had. Only because you make me want to be.

I am allergic in promises yet you are worth the try. Our love story may be silent yet it is true. To our next journey, may God hold both of our hands in the middle of his palms. Happy Anniversary, sweetheart!

 

 

bente OTSO

Hello!

Here’s the details and plan in the upcoming BENTE OTSO party!

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Ang Punduhan ng Mga Dumagat ay isang settlement area ng buong Dumagat na naninirahan sa kahabaan ng Sierra Madre. May ilang pamilyang nakatira sa mismong Punduhan pero ang main purpose nito ay tanggapan sa mga Dumagat na kailangan dalin sa ospital o tanggapan kung sakaling may nais na magbigay sa mga tribo ng Dumagat.

Dumagats origin is the same with Aeta’s in Northern Luzon. Their ancestral origin is traced from Negrito’s which is one of the earliest inhabitants in the Philippines. They are found in the hillsides and mountains of Quezon, Bulacan, Rizal and Laguna provinces. The term “Dumagat” is thought to be derived from the word “rumakat”, “lumakat” or  “lumakad” which signifies the migration of early Negritos in Philippines by walking in land and not by the sea.

Today, many of them wears the same as the lowlands. Some of them were already literate after some efforts of governments, missionaries and volunteers in the past. They stay now in one place and start to cultivate land for multi-cropping. They are producing native products like rattan in exchange for the goods of lowlanders. Some of them are working with lowlander’s farm. There is also improvement in their religion, they adopted some belief of Christians for believing in only one God.

HOW TO GET THERE: Naiisip kong magrent ng malaking jeep o Van para sa mga sasama. Share-share o contribution tayo sa rental fee. Depende pa sa final count ng mga sasama kung alin ba dyan ang aarkilahin. 3 hours ang byahe from Manila. Iniisip kung umalis ng 6 am para hindi pa mainit at traffic sa byahe.

Pagbaba maglalakad tayo ng 10 minutes paakyat sa Punduhan, medyo maputik lang kasi umaambon nung nagpunta kami.

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WHAT TO DO THERE:

UNA: Hahakutin natin yung mga goods na iiwan natin para sa kanila.

PANGALAWA: SOLIDARITY TALK. Magkukwnto sila ng buhay nila bilang mga Dumagat. May dance o song performance din ata mula sa mga batang Dumagat na naka-tribal custome sila. Tayo din magbabahagi ng konti sa kanila kung san tayo nanggaling at anong ginagawa natin. Naghahanap pa ako ng pwedeng magperform mula sa atin! Message nyo lang ako kung gusto nyong magvolunteer!!!!

PANGATLO: LUNCH. Nagsuggest si Bro. Martin kung game tayo sa Boodle Fight. GAME BA KAYO??? Kung hindi naman, buffet ang mangyayari.  Sagot ko na yung food for our lunch! 🙂

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PANG-APAT: CAVE VISITATION. Papasok tayo sa mga kweba na ginawa din nilang mga prayer rooms. May nakaready na silang hard hat para sa ating safety.

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PANGLIMA: Uwian na!!! Gusto nyo bang dumaan pa sa bilihan ng mga Pasalubong gawang Bulacan, Pwede din!

WHAT TO BRING: Ayon kay Bro. Martin, isahan sila kung kumain dun. Bale isang lutuan lang na pinamimigay sa bawat pamilya pero in-encourage silang kumain per family pa din sa loob ng kanilang mga kubo. SO.. preferred nila yung maramihan na! Sa tingin ko mas makakamura din tayo kung maramihan ang bili. Base sa pakikipag usap ko sa kanila… BIGAS o KANIN ang pangunahing kailangan nila! Dahil nga mga katutubo sila, malakas silang sa KANIN. Kadalasan din daw na nadodonate dun eh INSTANT NOODLES kaya may panahong yun na lang kinakain nila dahil wala na ngang bigas. So I suggest, was na tayong magdala ng INSTANT NOODLES kahit na mura naman talaga yun.

WHAT TO WEAR: Comfortable clothes! Malalaki ang mga lamok sa lugar! Magsuot ng rubber shoes o kung may trekking shoes kayo mas maganda. Magbaon din ng pamalit na damit.

SECURITY: Very safe ang lugar, wag kayong matakot. Military base yng ibaba nyan at malayo na rin naman talaga sa kabundukan. Wag magpadala sa takot ng NPA! hehe

KUNG MAY TANONG PA KAYO, FEEL FREE TO ASK SA ATING EVENT GROUP!

day1

It’s over.

I’m done.

It hurts so bad.

Morning is dark.

Night time is flooded.

Nothing seems beautiful.

Stil, there’s always and always and always something

TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

Like this freedom….

How long will this day be over?

i miss you…

just tell me what exactly happened and just say SORRY…

i just hope it was easy for you to do. i have made a lot of things easier for you but with this one i just cannot be too hard on myself. this is my threshold.

just tell me the story and say SORRY. as simple as that.

this might be our end.

the longest six months of my life could end… normal days are approaching..

fight for me please. at least once in your life, believe that our love is worth the fight

stand up for me… lead… ran after me… because i wouldn’t ran away that far…

i hope it wasn’t easy for you too as you made it seem.

namimiss mo din kaya ako?

Love cannot live without trust.

I guess that’s just how it goes; you rescued me from being stuck with someone before, and now I need another somebody to save me from you.

too much irony for today

Life’s just seems too ironic for today

I suddenly noticed a lot of things far more contradictory than what it has to be

To appreciate happiness, you need to be in pain first

We need to first to make mistakes to know what’s right

We expressed we care yet we say hurtful words

We regret things in the past yet at the present moment we ignore the consequences

We want honesty yet we keep the truth to avoid deceit

We find the value of others when they’re gone not when they’re still within our reach

We seek love yet there’s broken trust

We have food and yet starve ourselves just to look good for others while others have no food to eat

We build relationships yet we destroy others

We tend to make ourselves educated yet makes ourselves stupid

We put boundaries yet others are exempted and can get through

We preach moral values yet our actions are contrary to that

We explain life’s meaning and yet we don’t know one bit of what life really is

This is the hypocrisy and ironies we encounter at some point of our lives

isandaang araw

Hindi ko akalaing ako’y mahuhumaling sa isang tulad mo

Tulad mo na palaging nakakaalalay sa isang kaibigan

Tulad mo na madalas nakaakay sa isang kabataan

Tulad mo na hindi maiwan ang minamahal na pamilya

Ilang beses ko ninais na ika’y iwasan

Minsan mabigat at tila may pasan

Ngunit bakit, ito’y isang lihim

Ako’y bumabalik, sa iyo palapit pa rin

Ikaw na hindi ko mawari kung maginoo ba

O sadyang may sabit

Oh kay hirap naman sa damdamin kumapit

Lalong kabaliwan ang aking sinapit

Atras abante, Urong sulong,

Paikot-ikot, Pabalik balik

Tayo nga’y tao sa magkabilang mundo

Pinagtagpo at pinagtapat ating mga puso

Sa iyong pagbalik ako’y iyong nasalubong

Tila mga pusang naghaharutan sa bubong

Mula noon damdami’y di na natahimik

Hanggang sa ako’y sumuko na at hindi umimik

Puno man ng agam agam,

Maging totoo lamang ang tanging alam

Muling subukan ang magtiwala muli

Nang walang pagsisihan sa huli

Paanong hindi sa iyo mahahalina

Paanong hindi sa iyo mahuhulog

Kung ang bawat simpleng galaw at katangian mo

Ang siya mismong nagbubulid sa ating damdamin

Saya ang dulot mo sa bawat araw na lumilipas

Paminsang ako’y naiinis rin pala sa iyo’y kapangitan

Ngunit ito’y lambing ng babaeng may kasungitan

Wag ng tumutol at pagmamahal ay punan

Salamat sa pagdating sa aking munting buhay,
Giliw, ang pagibig kong ito sa iyo ay alay

Sabay nating gawing kahapon ang bawat bukas

Itatawid ng magkasamang lakas ang bawat oras

have COURAGE & be KIND

Before this beautiful emotion and memory goes to memory lane, better to write and share the story. Even though I’m not feeling very well right now due to strong headache and difficulty in breathing, I have to write this while everything is still here…

Yesterday was the most challenging and scary 30 minutes I had.

I was there standing in front of aliens who are trying to see the world I created and check whether it catches their interest, enough for them to leave my planet in peace or I would be the one to ride in their spaceship and go far far away…

I was there standing in front of my panel, anticipating the entrance of my adviser, whom without a doubt I believe would be there right in front of me, nodding his head while I’m doing the fight.

Then there’s the signal for me to start. First impression may not say it all but what it says matters. So, I have to deliver a confident introduction. You know what, my introduction is the only thing I memorized in my entire presentation and it was three sentences only. Three sentences I could hardly recall minutes before my name was called.

“More than a hundred years ago, our national hero Dr. Jose Rizal once said, Youth is the fair hope of the Fatherland. Indeed, how our country will fare decades from now will depend on the leadership and performance of our youth today. Whether they will turn out to be successful and productive members of the society will depend on how competently they handle their current affairs, make good-decisions and the amount of support they receive from the society. Being a former high school counsellor and still part of the parish youth ministry, it is in the hope of the researcher to provide an empirical study about and for the youth we have today.”

There, it’s still in my head however, I’m not very sure if I delivered it that way!

Then I smiled and gained much confidence when I saw my adviser entered the room. The panel caught my excitement and turned their heads back. And I was so happy when my adviser candidly said, “traffic…” See, he has the very intent to see me from the start.

I have a secret. My father wants to see me present during the colloquium however, I told him that his presence might just distract me. And I know him, if one of the panel members would asked a question and I could not answer… I just can’t imagine seeing his face while I’m in the grill. But I conditioned my mind that my adviser will have a dual-character that morning. I have a special talent in imagining events. In my head, he is my thesis adviser and my father in that battle. Technically, it’s his role also.

So his every nod is just a continuous affirmation for me to go on fighting…  you’ll get through this alive, my child.

It ended successfully. I finished yesterday’s battle. And I am still alive! Wounded maybe, because I can feel the coming of an asthma attack. Nevertheless, I am still alive!

Oh well, that’s NOT YET my story. I wanted to share the beautiful story before that day.

March 13. I was on leave at work. And still do not have my desired results. Tried and tried it over and over and over again. I cried. Tried again. Cried myself to sleep and try again. Called my special friend and cried myself out. Telling him how tired I am. Telling him the possibilities of giving up and delaying the fight. Afterwards,  I continue with my thing again.

Before that day, I have a scheduled meeting with my adviser at 6 pm. So I dragged myself to dress-up and face him and tell him that I can’t make it tomorrow. While I was on my way to UST, inside the jeep, from SM San Lazaro to Dapitan.. I am crying silently, making sure that the people inside the jeep wouldn’t notice me! :s In my head, this what’s happening, I am there in front of my adviser telling him I’m giving up. I am at the Graduate Research office telling them I couldn’t make it tomorrow, what should I do now. I am in front of my office mates telling them I didn’t make it. I was inside Sr. Jo’s office telling her I just wasted the money. And the hardest part, I was in front of my parents telling them, I pulled back from the battle. Then at night, I am crying all night, full of shame before the Lord. I know, He’ll still be there but just the thought of me not using what He provided me for is just a dismay for me.

See, that’s the entire drama that’s going in my head. I went inside the room and watched two presentors scheduled that night. After that, I got my relief. My motivation may not really that good, or wasn’t so pure, I guess. And after that pep talk with my adviser, I went home like an addict who just took cocaine, full of energy and determined to immerse myself in the battle.

Saturday morning, my parents are up. They drove me to school. Just like my first day of classes in UST when I was first year college, we took breakfast in the car while we are on our way. Then they gave me their tight hugs and I went down from the car. Then I took my deep breaths and walked away from them.

I walked myself to the Church. I still remember my conversation with Him, “Eto na Lord, eto na po ako, pagod na pagod.. I am surrendering everything now… to you… Jesus, be with me ha.. Baba ka muna sa cross mo, gumaan na  yan dahil sakin ah, samahan mo muna ako.”

That’s how crazy my relationships with the Divine creatures!

Nobody in our bloodline finishes graduate studies or gets just a taste of it. They become successful through businesses or working abroad. My father does not have high regard in me being a counselor. He wants me to go in PNP or in the military.  I have taken the course for thesis writing proposal four times. I have reached the maximum, and if I still didn’t made it, my graduate units will be in the trash bin. That’s why I guess, finishing this battle was just damn too hard for me.

I am very scared of failing. Because in most times, I give my all into the things I’m doing, that’s why I have high expectations with the results also. Nevertheless, I also experienced a lot of disappointments wherein no matter your efforts are, there are things that is still out of our control and you’re bound to fail.

At the end of all of these, in my heart, this journey, my journey in the graduate school is now not just about the diploma. It may be just a piece of paper. But that paper will be a clear evidence that once in my life I tried to put myself into something impossible, fight myself to death and rise above each and every downfall.

A paper that does not define who and what I am. Yes, it gives color and beauty. Still, it is not who I am.

The thing that defines who I am and what I’m capable of doing are my relationships. The relationships that stays and accepts my uniqueness and flaws. The new relationships that’s created in every battle. And my personal relationship with the Father, it’s still the be all and end all of my existence.

To that beautiful memory of yesterday, thank you! 🙂 I am becoming better each day.