A love to tell

I am a certified late bloomer, has recurring separation anxiety and a ton of trust issues. Having all these concerns, are you getting a picture of how would I behave inside a romantic relationship? As I would have imagined it too, that would be a disaster. It would be self-destructive and much worse; I would bring a man’s life to hell.

So I became very cautious. Unconsciously, I became distant and vigilant having men around. I am saving myself for that one very special person who can just love me in spite of the imperfections and would be very willing to get to know me so he’ll learn how to handle a complicated lady. On the process of waiting, I decided to take my time learning how to heal gracefully and to come up a better version of me.

I was 24 when I knew that I was for married life. I considered and prayed joining a consecrated/religious life. That was the perfect place where I will be safe and secured, where I can contribute to making this world a better place, where I can just be with God anytime of the day. However, I had a wrong thinking. The path I want to pursue is still hazy yet that perfect place I’m looking for is not inside a convent.

I was 26 when I started dating. All sorts of date, I’m all in. From speed dating, blind dating, set-up date and friendly dates to finally romantic dates. That journey was a good-tell adventures of mine! I remembered joining an online course about empowering women, lessons on how to take active responsibility in finding our one true love.

September 8 last year, I dated for the first time the man I never knew would be my first ever love. Mother Mary has been safeguarding him for me ever since. He is faithfully serving the Church. We were acquaintances for 10 years. He became a friend last year, a suitor after 3 months and a boyfriend a few months after.

It may be short yet for some reason I felt it was real. My doubting self also agreed that I would get to know him more if finally I would try to commit myself in a relationship.

We were so different in many ways. We even came from different generations literally and were raised differently too. Nevertheless, we are similar in two important things, our great love and devotion to God, to our faith and to our families – and that makes our differences smaller.

I love getting to know him every single day. I love to see him smile and dance and be silly in front of me. I swoon over him each time he sings a love song whether it’s by phone or much more in personal. I admire him each time he talks about his family or help a stranger. He doesn’t know I took most of the time observing him when we’re together. His expressive deep-seated eyes that communicate beyond words are extremely cute. I appreciate that he smells good always. I love it too that he is always a gentleman. I always feel safe when he’s near. I have high regards with his listening skills. There were times I feel insecure because he reminded me of information I already told him or stories he shared that I forgot. Sometimes I feel he is the guidance counselor’s counselor.

Yet, I hate him when he doesn’t answer my calls immediately. I hate him when he bluntly tells me the things I need to improve or even change. I hate him on the hours he makes me feel less loved. Yes, in my own perception there were rock-bottom days of our love story. I wish I have his patience. I hope I have his optimism. I pray I’ll have him forever.

People say the first year of a relationship is the honeymoon stage, ours isn’t. It is a roller coaster ride. It is a series of push and pull. It consists of life changing adventures and silly escapades. It engages into fights and wonderful reconciliation. It entails bargaining and compromises. It involves two people in love.

365 days. 200 plus love letters. 3 silly break ups that didn’t last for the day. 2 goals transforming to a series of plans towards 1 destination.

And today, our next 365 days journey begins; I just want my own words to be accountable with my actions.

As your girlfriend, I’ll laugh at every joke you tell, even if it means I’d be the only one laughing with you. My smile will turn into laughter whenever our eyes meet because the butterflies just won’t seem to leave. I’ll do my best to jump with you in excitement as your favourite PBA team scores but you have to buy me an ice cream whenever my team does the points. I’ll watch every action/superhero movie with you as long as you’re willing to watch one chick flick with me. We’ll have a bottle of beer while spilling our frustrations on how our day went yet you have to accept my limits.

As your girlfriend, I’ll give you your space. I’ll ask you how your day went – not out of routine but out of curiosity, because I want to know which parts of your day made you smile and made you sad. I’ll make silly faces and annoying dance moves whenever you are in your default angry mood. I’ll surprise you on random occasions, and spoil you with sweet kisses and tight hugs in the days we’re together.

As your girlfriend, I promise to be loyal. Now I know that at the end of the day, you’re the only one I want. I’ll be the one you can share your hopes, your dreams and your fears too. I may be talkative but on the days you just need my ear and my eyes, I’ll shut my mouth, I promise. I’ll always be real and true to you because you deserve nothing less. I’ll do my best to consider your thoughts and your feelings before I make my judgments.

As your girlfriend, I’ll yell and I’ll cry… I’ll cry a lot. My insecurities and jealousy will eventually surface no matter how hard I try to hide them. My drama may not make sense at all. I ask a lot of questions, you already know that by now. Sometimes they may be long and stupid, so I’ll need you to be patient with me. I’ll give you long silences when I’m upset. I’ll ran away from you when I’m not ready to talk to you yet in most times I want you to ran after me. I’ll still make you upset but since I won’t be able to read your mind, I’ll need you to tell me. My thirst for wisdom may still be true yet I’ll follow you in your field of expertise.

As your girlfriend, I’ll treat you how I would want to be treated.  I want to be all the best things to you, and though I know this can’t always be true, I do my best to be not so bad. I am weird and imperfect, but as your girlfriend, I promise to do all I can to be the best one you’ve ever had. Only because you make me want to be.

I am allergic in promises yet you are worth the try. Our love story may be silent yet it is true. To our next journey, may God hold both of our hands in the middle of his palms. Happy Anniversary, sweetheart!

 

 

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