Before this beautiful emotion and memory goes to memory lane, better to write and share the story. Even though I’m not feeling very well right now due to strong headache and difficulty in breathing, I have to write this while everything is still here…
Yesterday was the most challenging and scary 30 minutes I had.
I was there standing in front of aliens who are trying to see the world I created and check whether it catches their interest, enough for them to leave my planet in peace or I would be the one to ride in their spaceship and go far far away…
I was there standing in front of my panel, anticipating the entrance of my adviser, whom without a doubt I believe would be there right in front of me, nodding his head while I’m doing the fight.
Then there’s the signal for me to start. First impression may not say it all but what it says matters. So, I have to deliver a confident introduction. You know what, my introduction is the only thing I memorized in my entire presentation and it was three sentences only. Three sentences I could hardly recall minutes before my name was called.
“More than a hundred years ago, our national hero Dr. Jose Rizal once said, Youth is the fair hope of the Fatherland. Indeed, how our country will fare decades from now will depend on the leadership and performance of our youth today. Whether they will turn out to be successful and productive members of the society will depend on how competently they handle their current affairs, make good-decisions and the amount of support they receive from the society. Being a former high school counsellor and still part of the parish youth ministry, it is in the hope of the researcher to provide an empirical study about and for the youth we have today.”
There, it’s still in my head however, I’m not very sure if I delivered it that way!
Then I smiled and gained much confidence when I saw my adviser entered the room. The panel caught my excitement and turned their heads back. And I was so happy when my adviser candidly said, “traffic…” See, he has the very intent to see me from the start.
I have a secret. My father wants to see me present during the colloquium however, I told him that his presence might just distract me. And I know him, if one of the panel members would asked a question and I could not answer… I just can’t imagine seeing his face while I’m in the grill. But I conditioned my mind that my adviser will have a dual-character that morning. I have a special talent in imagining events. In my head, he is my thesis adviser and my father in that battle. Technically, it’s his role also.
So his every nod is just a continuous affirmation for me to go on fighting… you’ll get through this alive, my child.
It ended successfully. I finished yesterday’s battle. And I am still alive! Wounded maybe, because I can feel the coming of an asthma attack. Nevertheless, I am still alive!
Oh well, that’s NOT YET my story. I wanted to share the beautiful story before that day.
March 13. I was on leave at work. And still do not have my desired results. Tried and tried it over and over and over again. I cried. Tried again. Cried myself to sleep and try again. Called my special friend and cried myself out. Telling him how tired I am. Telling him the possibilities of giving up and delaying the fight. Afterwards, I continue with my thing again.
Before that day, I have a scheduled meeting with my adviser at 6 pm. So I dragged myself to dress-up and face him and tell him that I can’t make it tomorrow. While I was on my way to UST, inside the jeep, from SM San Lazaro to Dapitan.. I am crying silently, making sure that the people inside the jeep wouldn’t notice me! :s In my head, this what’s happening, I am there in front of my adviser telling him I’m giving up. I am at the Graduate Research office telling them I couldn’t make it tomorrow, what should I do now. I am in front of my office mates telling them I didn’t make it. I was inside Sr. Jo’s office telling her I just wasted the money. And the hardest part, I was in front of my parents telling them, I pulled back from the battle. Then at night, I am crying all night, full of shame before the Lord. I know, He’ll still be there but just the thought of me not using what He provided me for is just a dismay for me.
See, that’s the entire drama that’s going in my head. I went inside the room and watched two presentors scheduled that night. After that, I got my relief. My motivation may not really that good, or wasn’t so pure, I guess. And after that pep talk with my adviser, I went home like an addict who just took cocaine, full of energy and determined to immerse myself in the battle.
Saturday morning, my parents are up. They drove me to school. Just like my first day of classes in UST when I was first year college, we took breakfast in the car while we are on our way. Then they gave me their tight hugs and I went down from the car. Then I took my deep breaths and walked away from them.
I walked myself to the Church. I still remember my conversation with Him, “Eto na Lord, eto na po ako, pagod na pagod.. I am surrendering everything now… to you… Jesus, be with me ha.. Baba ka muna sa cross mo, gumaan na yan dahil sakin ah, samahan mo muna ako.”
That’s how crazy my relationships with the Divine creatures!
Nobody in our bloodline finishes graduate studies or gets just a taste of it. They become successful through businesses or working abroad. My father does not have high regard in me being a counselor. He wants me to go in PNP or in the military. I have taken the course for thesis writing proposal four times. I have reached the maximum, and if I still didn’t made it, my graduate units will be in the trash bin. That’s why I guess, finishing this battle was just damn too hard for me.
I am very scared of failing. Because in most times, I give my all into the things I’m doing, that’s why I have high expectations with the results also. Nevertheless, I also experienced a lot of disappointments wherein no matter your efforts are, there are things that is still out of our control and you’re bound to fail.
At the end of all of these, in my heart, this journey, my journey in the graduate school is now not just about the diploma. It may be just a piece of paper. But that paper will be a clear evidence that once in my life I tried to put myself into something impossible, fight myself to death and rise above each and every downfall.
A paper that does not define who and what I am. Yes, it gives color and beauty. Still, it is not who I am.
The thing that defines who I am and what I’m capable of doing are my relationships. The relationships that stays and accepts my uniqueness and flaws. The new relationships that’s created in every battle. And my personal relationship with the Father, it’s still the be all and end all of my existence.
To that beautiful memory of yesterday, thank you! 🙂 I am becoming better each day.