It’s really different when you’re thinking of a situation based from personal experience than when making assumptions and opinions based from listening to someone else’s opinion.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Some realities seemed so simple but now that I’m in it, everything by logic appears complicated.
Most of my close friends pacify my over-the-fence thinking. They keep on reminding me not to think too much and just enjoy and be with the moment.
I guess I am just so blessed with great friends who untiringly listen to my “complexities”.
I am aware of the facts why I should not be head-over-heels in love with this person yet nothing that he does influences me to unlove him. There were days when I feel the intensity of my love for him and there were nights I questioned if I was in love with the person or with just the idea of love.
Just the sight of him banishes every drop of exhaustion I feel. His scent that soothes in my being is like a potion that makes me feel better. His smile, his eyes that mirrors his core being is my encounter with an angel.
Nevertheless, he makes me vulnerable too. This is part I hate the most. There are simple things I used to do alone that now need to be done with his presence. His simple “NO” made my tears like a waterfall. He can make me happy-mad-doubtful-paranoid-calm-and happy again in just a matter of an hour.
The incessant denial of the truth over what makes the two of us happy together is bothering at times. Our unconventional story, the good times we had and the person I am becoming because of this love complicate the situation. These memories become the sticky gel that keeps us glued to one another we fought so hard to keep.
In spite of, at the end of the day, I can see a possibility of us not ending up together. Was this just a waste of time? Is this a miserable and blissful adventure? How will this experience unfold my definition of love?
I’ve read an article, “I don’t think we realize what the truth is and what it has been this entire time: The world has never been perfect, and it never will be.”
We all have the capacity to see the missing part. However, our mind also has a brilliant capacity to see wholeness in broken pieces. That’s gestalt in Psychology. J The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It is where we want to focus on in what we are seeing that matters.
If I spend my time seeing on the thing that makes him “handicapped” then associate this to his capacity to love, will I find a more suitable man? More so, can love ever be enough?
Some things will not always work out the way we want it, even if we try our very best. I have been through a lot of experiences wherein being too kind and obedient is not an assurance that the world will treat you fairly. The fact remains that the world can be bizarrely brutal at times, with a mysterious reason.
Our struggle for perfection, my personal struggle to be “good enough” just brought inevitable disappointment and frustration. I learned that much of the disillusionment we feel is brought by expectation. Cliché’ this may seem, to avoid getting hurt is to avoid the expectation to receive the same quality of kindness and love.
I went through the struggle of rejecting his love. Yet, the more I run away, the more it gets disturbing. My belief is that I am his miracle. The probability of getting the matched of emotions he has was small yet, his faith is just so incomprehensible that having that belief that the love he has will make him deserving.
I was never overwhelmed of that love. It humbled me in a way.
You know that feeling you get when you wake up early in the morning and he just greets you and sends you good vibes? That feeling you get when you sit beside him, doing nothing, not uttering any word, just holding hands while you watched the sunset together? That crazy feeling when he rides my craziness and acted a breaking couple in a public park? Or when you walked and danced on the seashore and feel like dying in his arms as the happiest girl on earth? All these don’t come around very often. All these I experienced for the very first time.
I observed that many tend to take love for granted. One with too many disagreements, expectations and even excuses and would tell themselves that we won’t work this out and find another love.
As I read and watch the daily news, it reminds me that life is short. It will not always work on our terms. We may try hard and yet if it still not meant to be, we walk away. At least deep in our hearts we know that we still try our very best of what was given to us.
Years ago, I claimed that I was saved and transformed so I can be a disciple of love. And being a disciple of love is to live my life passionately.
When it’s the first time you find a love that is beautiful and pure, one that gives you sleepless nights asking yourself if it this worth it because of its complexities, you won’t give it up easily. I am holding onto it with everything I have. This beautiful mess is worth it rather than simply living a life on the safety net.
Wherever this will lead us, whatever this will leave me, love will always be worth the risk.
“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.” — Unknown