why it’s worth the headache

It’s really different when you’re thinking of a situation based from personal experience than when making assumptions and opinions based from listening to someone else’s opinion.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Some realities seemed so simple but now that I’m in it, everything by logic appears complicated.

Most of my close friends pacify my over-the-fence thinking. They keep on reminding me not to think too much and just enjoy and be with the moment.

I guess I am just so blessed with great friends who untiringly listen to my “complexities”.

I am aware of the facts why I should not be head-over-heels in love with this person yet nothing that he does influences me to unlove him. There were days when I feel the intensity of my love for him and there were nights I questioned if I was in love with the person or with just the idea of love.

Just the sight of him banishes every drop of exhaustion I feel. His scent that soothes in my being is like a potion that makes me feel better.  His smile, his eyes that mirrors his core being is my encounter with an angel.

Nevertheless, he makes me vulnerable too. This is part I hate the most. There are simple things I used to do alone that now need to be done with his presence. His simple “NO” made my tears like a waterfall. He can make me happy-mad-doubtful-paranoid-calm-and happy again in just a matter of an hour.

The incessant denial of the truth over what makes the two of us happy together is bothering at times. Our unconventional story, the good times we had and the person I am becoming because of this love complicate the situation. These memories become the sticky gel that keeps us glued to one another we fought so hard to keep.

In spite of, at the end of the day, I can see a possibility of us not ending up together. Was this just a waste of time? Is this a miserable and blissful adventure? How will this experience unfold my definition of love?

I’ve read an article, “I don’t think we realize what the truth is and what it has been this entire time: The world has never been perfect, and it never will be.”

We all have the capacity to see the missing part. However, our mind also has a brilliant capacity to see wholeness in broken pieces. That’s gestalt in Psychology. J The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It is where we want to focus on in what we are seeing that matters.

If I spend my time seeing on the thing that makes him “handicapped” then associate this to his capacity to love, will I find a more suitable man? More so, can love ever be enough?

Some things will not always work out the way we want it, even if we try our very best. I have been through a lot of experiences wherein being too kind and obedient is not an assurance that the world will treat you fairly. The fact remains that the world can be bizarrely brutal at times, with a mysterious reason.

Our struggle for perfection, my personal struggle to be “good enough” just brought inevitable disappointment and frustration. I learned that much of the disillusionment we feel is brought by expectation. Cliché’ this may seem, to avoid getting hurt is to avoid the expectation to receive the same quality of kindness and love.

I went through the struggle of rejecting his love. Yet, the more I run away, the more it gets disturbing. My belief is that I am his miracle. The probability of getting the matched of emotions he has was small yet, his faith is just so incomprehensible that having that belief that the love he has will make him deserving.

I was never overwhelmed of that love. It humbled me in a way.

You know that feeling you get when you wake up early in the morning and he just greets you and sends you good vibes? That feeling you get when you sit beside him, doing nothing, not uttering any word, just holding hands while you watched the sunset together? That crazy feeling when he rides my craziness and acted a breaking couple in a public park? Or when you walked and danced on the seashore and feel like dying in his arms as the happiest girl on earth? All these don’t come around very often. All these I experienced for the very first time.

I observed that many tend to take love for granted. One with too many disagreements, expectations and even excuses and would tell themselves that we won’t work this out and find another love.

As I read and watch the daily news, it reminds me that life is short. It will not always work on our terms. We may try hard and yet if it still not meant to be, we walk away. At least deep in our hearts we know that we still try our very best of what was given to us.

Years ago, I claimed that I was saved and transformed so I can be a disciple of love. And being a disciple of love is to live my life passionately.

When it’s the first time you find a love that is beautiful and pure, one that gives you sleepless nights asking yourself if it this worth it because of its complexities, you won’t give it up easily. I am holding onto it with everything I have. This beautiful mess is worth it rather than simply living a life on the safety net.

Wherever this will lead us, whatever this will leave me, love will always be worth the risk.

 “Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.” — Unknown

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It Was

I guess we guess are way through life
How many times do we really know for sure?
I was just hoping for the best
Then I woke up in these lovin’ arms of yours
What I felt was unmistakable
When I fell for you

[Chorus:]

It was real…It was magic
It was calm…It was savage
It was cool as a breeze
It was warm to the touch
It was never enough
It was always too much
It did all the things love does
That’s how I knew
It was

Who thought that I could laugh so loud
Then turn around and cry so many tears
I used to have so many doubts
But one by one you made them disappear
What I found was unbelievable
But I believe it’s true

[Repeat Chorus]

You asked what I felt when you walked through the door
Was it fear?
Was it clear?
It was all that and more

[Repeat chorus]
That’s how I knew
It was

 

hurting

I’m hurting…

and you don’t even know…

and you’re not supposed to know…

I cannot sleep even though I’m sleepy..

I’m looking of a perfect song that would describe what I’m feeling..

because it hurts so bad…

why can’t i have you when i feel i have you?

it only hurts because I’m breathing…

rainbow in the dark cloud

You came just right in time.

Looking at you from afar waiting for me made my heart beats fast. You were wearing a v-neck white shirt, maong pants and rubber shoes, just exactly the same as mine. How fascinating that was! We are never the type of people who would discuss about what we’re going to wear yet on this special day it just so happen that our attire matched from head to toe. The more I get closer to you the more I feel nervous. How are we going to spend this day? Where we will go? You got a taste of my spontaneity as a traveller. No clear destination. No clear plans. Just enjoy where our feet would bring us. To add to my troubled heart is to hear your piece and your decision as well. Would you jump with me? Patay kung patay ba?

How sweet of you to put inside your backpack my Chickenjoy breakfast! I was deeply overwhelmed with that. The two hours road trip was quite boring and awkward. There go the predictable how-was-your-week-stories. Nevertheless, I was amazed whenever I would watch your stories through your eyes. I do not know how it happened but I’m seeing your soul through your beautiful eyes. Maybe, your happiness just radiates.

We arrived at our first Church, Sto. Niño Parish in Bustos Bulacan. What a sweet way to add him on this romantic getaway Lord! Still, it’s the child Jesus. It’s happy to know that I just thought about it right now. I was finally over him and I am scared of losing the man I was with today. We both know that we are not fully in control. I just cannot continue being amazed with him each day and not know where should I stand. We are trying to understand each other and sought the Lord’s guidance — that whatever happens, we will not intentionally hurt each other.

So our day went on. The Heritage Park. Mercado Heritage House. Bustos Dam. St. Martin de Porres Children’s Village. Angat town. Tita Grace’s. Colegio de Sta. Monica de Angat. Sta. Monica Parish.

Through it all, your warm hand that held my hand is an assurance that you would never wanted me to get hurt. This day, is just full of laughters, of discovering one another, of road trips, of prayers, of extreme cuddling, of openness and of honesty.

I just feel so mature and open-minded facing you as you started the-i-do-not-want-you-out-of-my-life-but-i-cant-continue-being-with-you. I admire the courage to be honest and making me understand. Still, I insisted to hear your decision. For me, it is just black and white, no gray areas. If I’ll give all the cards to you, I just want an assurance that you’ll finish the game with me, win or lose, in good times and in bad. I just cannot keep hanging out with you when you have an extra baggage especially she happens to be a woman too. It will eat both of us in the end. The more time I’ll spend with you the more I can be passionately in love with you.

You have to smile in this kill-me-now conversation. I do not want to see that kind of eyes! I had to lighten up the mood. Mine too, keep calm my dear lungs! My facial expressions pulled me over that heart breaking scene but I’m losing air. I hope he didn’t notice. Put humor now Jesa! Go, hit a punchline! J

In life, we will just realize something is worth all the effort, time and love when it hurts us. Pain is an indication that you shared a part of yourself and when you’re lucky enough, you lose that part too. Today I realize that pain and hatred doesn’t go together.  I did not feel any hatred towards him. I can be a friend to him. I guess, I just value honesty so much that he deserves my full respect.

You told me that it’s not yet the end… that the world is round… that time may permit you to stay with me… someday.

It may be true. It may not happen too. I’ll keep on waiting but not necessarily for you.

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I have to close this chapter. Perhaps, we both need to move on now… simply because you made a choice.

Thank you for being my one-day boyfriend. Since you include me into your world, I wanted to become even better. You take delight in my weaknesses and inspire me to live longer. This has been one of my best days this 2014. Just like any other day… the sun sets… the day ends… OURS TOO.

Starting tomorrow, I need to accept what’s gone, appreciate what still remains and look forward to what’s coming next.

Ode on Something Gray

Each day that passes, the colors are turning gray

Explanations and questions fill in as I pray

I cannot understand the meaning

I cannot look with what is happening

 

The colors are brighter,

the sunshine the brightest

Is this friendship put to a test?

Why everything feels a mess?

 

Days full of life are turning to strife

Nothing is clear to me

Would I just let it be?

 

Days of sadness, night of happiness

A sweet escape or a sudden scrape

Are you losing your time

Are you running out of time

 

Tell me, is this what you’ve been asking for

Coz if it does, I pray it’ll last

Once beside, now set aside

A weak mind yet still a good heart

Better this time, we’ll set apart

 peter-pan-300x0

while you are waiting

Talking about impatience… You’ll test your limits when waiting is the only way that’s left with you to get things done or to get closer to a dream. A little sense of desperation widens your threshold. Like a rubber band, the resistance makes us see its elasticity. So, you wait. After some time, a few hours perhaps you began questioning, “What the hell is this for? Isn’t this a waste of time? I should have accomplished other things instead of focusing on getting this.” People passed by, conversations were heard, headcount of men in white uniforms… and still you don’t know if something is happening to your purpose. Next thing you do is entertain yourself, accomodate anything that gives pleasure to your body and mind. “Ooow… nice tattoo.. I want one!” The next minutes, your mind goes around from the simplicity to the complexities of having a tattoo! Still, you’ve waited. Waiting for something so uncertain. 3 hours and still counting… YOU ASSERT YOUR so-called RIGHT… you wished that the person you’re talking with will feel a sense of guilt for making you wait for so long. Despite of feeding your mind with this thought, you knew that he/she is just a middle man. She have nothing to do with your miseries. Now, being impatient is going through most of your neurotransmitters, you have to breathe fresh air! You have to walk away! You chose to create a space to your purpose. You asked God’s intervention over this simple and small life happening. You’re tired of thinking so you just looked at Him and breathe deeply.

Will you still go back? Will you throw the time that was wasted waiting? Nevertheless, accept that it was not really meant for                you.  At least, you can pat you’re back for trying. You decided to challenge yourself even more. Fill your lungs as to how much         air it can contain so you’ll have extra for survival. Then you make yourself visible and remind them, “hey, I’m still alive! I can             still stay here for 10 years!” Still, you have to wait.

5 hours. You started convincing yourself that there is still a possibility of failing. You rationalize circumstances so failing                    wouldn’t  hurt so much. Then,you began to look back.

           you waited for 10 years for the come back of a knight-in-shining armor, yet you fail.

           you tried investing money, time, and energy for a diploma, yet you fail.

            you get overwhelmed and challenged by a new assignment, still you fail.

            you waited for 7 years to be in a position of being in charge, you felt like a loser. 

Aren’t you get used in failing? Will 5 hours of waiting over 2-pages paper bruise you? Prove now, that you can get something              done. If today will not work, you’ll feel bad. But, tomorrow will be another day and things might be a little or more different.

Then it rained. You get a little comfort that God is with you. It gave a bucket of persistence. “I will not leave here until you                     break my heart!— 🙂 — I will not leave here until you say it in front of my face.”

She called you. Finally, you see the face of the man in white. He apologized. You remained silent. He started a conversation.                You challenged yourself  if you can still show genuine kindness. You smiled at him. And feelings became quite better. He                      
signed. You thank him. You thank her.

You go straight in the chapel, looked at Him.. smiled…. and started to giggle! Good heavens, you’re the only one inside. 🙂

“Congratulations! I saw the improvement… you can take even more failures, my child! :s 🙂 Just wait… something good…                         something great… is about to happen.”, you heard Him say this.

You left the room smiling. 10289867_10152060338411837_6924026370263527493_n

Burned Letters

In the midst of reports to do and pile of papers to finish, I opted to stop and just let some thoughts out into this paper. Instead of my nightly self-talk, I would like to think out loud again. Oh I’m enjoying the solo nights in my bed, snuggling my pillows and just covering my entire body with soft and big blanket. Even though I am sleeping alone, which happened I don’t know when, my room is not silent as it seems. My head and the women inside it keep on making sweet conversations. You may think I’m crazy though, honestly, indeed I’m one weird lady who wants to explore limitless boundaries a woman may achieve.

Oh just recently, a few weeks back to this date, I fell in love. It was my first! One hard-core overwhelming love. Since it was my first, I lose control of where that magical feeling would bring me. To the ends of the earth and back.To the deepest sea and highest mountain.To oblivion, to heaven or to hell. All I know then is that I am falling in love… so strong, so true.

The funny thing was the man I feel in love with did not do so much Romeo-effort. He was a man in the past who came back early this year and woke up a travel fascination in me. It was clear to me before that my health is one huge challenge in my dream of becoming a traveler. He’s traveling to feel a sense of fulfillment while I am travelling to see a fulfilled man. I chose to face all the risks it might cause in my health and in my relationships with people who want to keep me longer. I chose to enjoy the ride, go with the flow and just be true to what I feel.

The tragic thing was the man I feel in love with became seriously attracted to someone I introduced to him in one of our travels. In just a week, I felt new strong emotions. My mind that is always active became so hyper that she needed to gather evidences and reasons why it happened. The answer I got was sort of, “I do not know how it happened, I just did”. My logical mind said, “ That was real magic!”

 I believe that all things go through a process. There’s no such thing as sudden love unless you are Christ. Can you love a beggar on the street just by seeing him/her? Can you love a stranger you passed by in the mall? How on earth can someone be so attracted with someone whom he just walked by for a few hours?

Ever since I was a child, I never felt seeking for love and attention. It was freely given to me. It was something I felt so much blessed with. It is the reason why I chose not to distract him and make efforts to win him back. After all, he was never into me in the first place.

The sudden likeness he showed towards my friend became an eye-opener to me. He is not emotionally stable. I am not a fan of love-at-first-sight or love-at-first-walk or love-at-first-talk. The love I believe in grows over time. There are stages attraction has to go through before goes up to the agape version of love.   

Looking at the patterns and connections we had, I can’t help but think that indeed I was his mean-time girl. Maybe because he gave me the first butterflies-in-the-stomach when I was 16 years old, my creative mind invented a mental representation of him and I in the end. This mental image grew clearer as his relationships keep on failing while I have never been so emotionally attach with someone in the past.

At first I almost compromised my non-negotiable list for him. He was not a perfect match of the manly image I have on that list. But the i-like-your-friend drama led me to a realization that God brought him back because he answered my prayer and he took him away also as an answer to my question.

Ever since I was 16 years old, I keep on writing love letters to-he-I-would-end-up-with. When he came back this year, I started reading some of my previous letters. I found out that the man I was talking with in those 129 love letters is no one but him. The dates speaks in the time our communication was open, when he just broke with his girl friend, when he tells me I understand him, the hope I had when we walked away having a new girl friend.

In my rock-bottom night, I burned all the 129 letters I’ve kept. He does not deserve to know what each letter says.

I gave up my idea of a love story with him. But now that I was able to write this story again with peace in my heart I know that I am not giving up a wonderful love story with whoever-he-is-wandering-in-planet-Earth. I believe, as I am such a spoiled daughter, God will unfold a great love story for me.  

 We don’t always love what is good or
who is good for us. With frightening frequency
we fall in love with things that damage our life
and people who tear us to pieces.
James Browning

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